Sorry. It hurts remembering all the hills we climbed together, all the trees we tried to climb- some of which we succeeded while others we failed to reach to their peaks. Am surprised we never got discouraged by the failed attempts and that we always found energy next time to keep on trying. We enjoyed going to new places, meeting new people or animals, making new friends(and enemies) and above all spending an amount of money and time that we even never thought of how to recover. Sorry because I know it hurts considering the connection we have created, the many friends who know about us and now after all that somebody says it can’t work- that we need to end our relationship. What will you tell the friends who ask about my well being or my whereabouts or how is the going? Where are you going to take all the feelings you have for me? And how can you forget about everything that we have had together? I know those are the questions you will ask and my answer is, ‘this is for our own good.’
I am sorry to say that we met too early my dear, when still very young and naïve and while not aware of what life was all about. Not knowing what (and when or how) to give it our whole selves and what at the end to expect from it. We acted too fast, a move that if we continue, we will regret to the rest of our lives.
I had just left campus and I should say that I was among the luckiest since even while studying, I still had somewhere I was getting few dollars every month. Therefore after my graduation, I just went on with the work aiming to triple the earning since I was now working full time- it is a commission based hustle. That’s all life I thought was all about. In fact I was very right and heading in the right direction since that’s how I was socialized. At where I come from, children from a very early age are brought up knowing that life is all about; going to school, studying hard, getting good grades that will enable you to get a good job, getting a good wife or husband, having a good family, leading a good life and eventually die leaving behind children to immortalize your name. However, that good is not defined- we are not told how good is the ‘good.’ Or how do you know that what you have is good.
Also Read: 3 Places You Cannot Find a Good Wife.
So I met you. You were doing great- though working in an Mpesa shop, you seemed happy. It was ‘love’ at first sight and since you were just a year out of your secondary level, and I being a graduate, you saw a man in me, a provider and a potential husband and in a few weeks you entrusted me your life. I thought that was love and thus we started bonding. You saw hope in me, you gave me all your love. You trusted me, respected me and always made sure I never got angry even if it meant compromising your values- you agreed to every decision I made without questioning. You always wanted to prove to me how you are a wife material. I loved you in return and I tried to do everything that made you happy. But unfortunately, I was not ready for anything more than just being friends but since I didn’t want to lose you, (due to my insecurity) we ended up staying together- something like a husband-wife relationship. We started cohabitating. That was a great mistake we ever made as far as our lives are concerned.
We have lived together without informing our parents, only friends who could only congratulate us for that step, have known about it. And because we were blindfolded by ‘love’, we thought they were our only supporters since (like for me) our parents won’t have agreed with the arrangement and that’s why we decided not to tell them. Life seemed good- we could eat, travel, take walks on the parks, go trekking in the forests, mountain climbing, gaming and the list goes on. I thought there was nothing else a human being needed rather than being happy (of which it’s true anyway), but I have come to realize that the right source of happiness and at the right time is the real happiness.
That happiness I thought was for eternity but I was wrong. It is now a year and things have made a U-turn. The laughter is gone. The respect is gone. The trust is gone. And that anytime I get a call or make a call to any female friend (could be a colleague) regardless of what we say, she is my girlfriend and I want to leave you for her. That’s not the life you want- the life of fear. I would also like to admit that whenever I am not with you, I am always restless thinking you are with another man. I have only been happy when we are together but not peaceful when am away. We cannot be together always and thus I cannot allow the insecurity to destroy me. I wonder why but it’s something I cannot control. I have tried but I have not succeeded.
Also Read: Converting sins to blessings.
Not that I am complaining nor am I blaming you for everything but because of our naivety and our cohabitation, there is a lot (good) that life offered that we have missed. You were to go to school and you have just kept postponing. I used to write before but now the disease of procrastination has infected me- you became my attention, all that I thought about. I lost an opportunity of studying abroad because I didn’t want to be away from you. I turned down a scholarship for my Master’s degree in psychology from the University of Sussex in the United Kingdom all because we couldn’t go together. I will always blame myself.
But now, I am very sorry to say my eyes are wide open. I can now see what I couldn’t see back then. I have a dream that I want to make a reality and I believe you so too have. I’m again sorry to say while together we can only waste time. We have to take a break or part ways altogether (your reaction is what will determine,)-who knows we might make it up together later because destiny is weird. I know you will be hurt but I believe this is the only best decision we should make for the sake of our future lives. I have come to realize that our relationship is goalless and we might end up making a grave mistake that as well might take us to grave very early.
Marrying for a wrong reason is the starting point of problems. Rushing to get married because you have a daughter whom you would wish her to grow up having a fatherly figure (which is good) and me marrying you because you want to be married and if I don’t (now), I will lose you, that is getting into the union unprepared and for wrong reasons. It is true we made mistakes- we followed and quickly acted upon our feelings but it’s still not too late to correct them after all better late than never.
Also Read: My jealous wife.
I know you will accuse me of having wasted your time. I know that I will give you another reason to believe that all men are dogs but this is just me- and even if I am a bad person, there are still good men out there. I know you will not believe me. I know that you will say I am leaving you for another woman but that is not true- I just want an ample time for my meditations and self-discovery. I know you really wanted to get married- but you are just 20 years old and so I believe you have all the time for that. And I also believe you still need to discover yourself, realize your full potential and know the woman you really are.
Lastly, you might be thinking it is an easy thing for me because maybe you might be tempted to think I do not love you anymore but you will be lying. It is a hard decision for me to make but I have no option. This is the only sacrifice we can make for our lives. I have come to realize that love alone is not all one should consider for a life partner- that there are so many other factors which need to be considered. And above all, maturity should be on the lead.
I am sorry my dear but I have to say goodbye. Thank you for everything.